I don't see this place as my home. At least, not anymore.
This place was my sanctuary. Now, it is merely a place, for me to find shelter from shine and rain.
Nothing more
Nothing more.

Sigh.

It's true when they say nothing is for certain.
It was good while it lasts, but I'm not going to stay.

Enough is enough

This blog has been abandoned for far too long now.

There's so many things going on at the same time, but I just don't seem to have any grasp on the situation that i am in. It seems......surreal in a way. Seems like it was only yesterday we were best of friends. But today I don't seem to be able to tolerate some people's shenanigans anymore.

Ahh screw it.

"Love is being a wallpaper on someone's phone"

Isn't love a wonderful thing? It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Anything that keeps you warm inside, should be kept. Be it a person, your pet, your favourite socks or even a teddy bear.

What I love the most is staying up late, talking. Talking with anyone who's willing to accompany me and my random thoughts. My innermost thoughts only come out at midnight when everyone else is asleep. I'm vulnerable at night. You can even make me tell you my darkest secret.

& I love what I have now. I don't have a name for it. I don't even know how to explain exactly what I feel. All I know is this is something. It came unexpected. I wasn't looking for it but when it came, I welcome it with open arms and I open my heart too. Now, I left my heart out in the open - exposing myself to every possibility there is. Funny thing is I'm not scared - even after what happened.

I'm going with my heart on this and hoping for the best.

Diputar lagu berkali-kali.
Bait kata tidak punya kaitan
Tapi masih mampu buat aku rasa sakit semalam.

Bismillah

Ditukar nama.
Diubah rupanya.
Masih dia yang sama.
Luar berubah,
Dalamnya masih dia.

Rindu

Entah kenapa malam ni rasa sedih sangat. Kakak dah balik Sabah. Dia ada tangungjawab di sana. Dan untuk pertama kalinya, aku menangis bila dia nak balik sana dah. Pertama kali rasa macam ni.

Dari sekolah menengah kitaorg terpisah. Aku duduk asrama, dia pulak duduk rumah. Lepastu habis sekolah menengah, dia dapat universiti jauh nun di sana, and aku dapat universiti kat Melaka. Kira aku dekat lah dengan rumah. Setiap minggu balik rumah and kakak pulak hanya pulang 6 bulan sekali je. Jadi kira macam kitaorang ni dah biasalah berjauhan.

Tapi cuti baru ni, aku jadi rapat balik dengan kakak. Dialah tempat aku mengadu. Malam-malam rasa sedih sikit cari dia. Dia layan je kerenah aku. Bila aku duduk rumah sorang-sorang and dia keluar dengan boyfriend dia, dia mesti belikan aku makanan sebab aku ni tak reti masak. Walaupun aku ni kuat menangis, dia tak pernah ejek aku ke apa. Dia tak pernah mengungkit.

Aku rindu nak tidur sebilik dengan kakak. Rindunya kat dia. Tadi sebelum dia balik Sabah, kakak belikan aku lollipop. :') Kakak suka layan aku macam budak kecik. Kadang-kadang dia cakap aku ni lembik tapi dia layan jugak. Dia baik sangat.

Steps

I am flawed.

I've seen people all around me try to change for the better - including myself - but I still find myself slacking from time to time.

I often ask myself, why am I inconsistent in what I do? Why is it so hard to make a change when everyone else makes it seem so easy for them. I know that change is never easy. It takes a lot of effort to make even the slightest difference in ones life.

I want to be a better Muslimah, daughter, sister and friend. Someday - InsyAllah

Baby steps Sarah. Baby steps. 

"If you see one of you have slipped - correct him and pray for him.

Do not help shaytan against him (by insulting him)"

Ummar Al Khattab R.A

Tafseer Al Qurtubi, 15/256

MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN :D

Pardon the big picture of me. I was just excited to see myself with facial hair. Haha. 

Jokes aside, I would like to wish everyone I know and who reads my blog a very Happy Raya and please forgive me if I have offended or hurt anyone in any way possible. Have a blessed Syawal people

Enough is enough

Taken from Ezzah's blog.

You know when someone just went through a devastating break up and the common thing one would say is "Don't worry. One day, he/she will realize what a big mistake he/she has made by letting you go".

Today i caught myself thinking exactly that and I literally gave myself a hit on the head after I thought that. Why on earth did that came to mind? I don't want to be living my life thinking that way. I would be lying to myself if i keep telling myself that. I know that he's not going to regret breaking up with me because he has been thinking about breaking up for a very long time. So when it happens, it's pretty much a sure thing. Nothing I can do or say to change his decision. 

 As pathetic as I might sound, I did a search on Google about how to heal broken hearts. No matter how many times I've gone through a break up, I must say this was the worst yet. I've never felt so lost before. This was the first time and I was in need of a serious help. There were a few friends that helped me out (including my dear sister) and I'm eternally grateful for these people but I know that I have to help myself. I can't rely on people to make me feel better. Healing a broken heart is never easy.

I would be lying if I were to say I'm perfectly fine when the truth is I'm not. I'm mad. I am sad. I feel like punching his face. I have thought of every possible way of causing his pain and harm. But who am I kidding? Revenge only gives temporary satisfaction. Why should I go for that? I should opt for something worthwhile. I should opt for something that will make me feel good about myself.

I should stop thinking about all the things that I did (or didn't do) that may have led to the inevitable. Asking myself was there anything that I could have done to stop this from happening. When the truth is nothing lasts forever, so we need to become comfortable with the fact that at some point, it will end.

A friend told me that there are 5 stages of grief which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

My denial ended after I asked him is there any chance of us getting back together ever again and his answer was No. The truth was bitter but I had to swallow it. I know I had to stop moping and start living. I know I have to stop loving a man whose heart's no longer mine. Why should I cry over a man who has chosen to stop loving me and someone who still can't commit after almost a year? Enough tears for this man.

So maybe I'm in stage two ; Anger. I just want to reach a stage when I can just say F*ck it. You know everyone has been celebrating how long they have been together with their boyfriends/girlfriends right? I've decided to celebrate my singlehood with myself. I should be able love myself more than I love someone else. It's going to be hard but I have my sister and friends with me. Everyday people go through break ups and they are doing just fine. Some are even making money dealing with heart breaks.

I'm a fighter and this post will be a reminder a few years later on how I am now. This feeling I have right now will be a distant memory. I want to feel better about myself.

I'll fight back. You just wait and see.   

Be Mine

It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance to promise to never mess it up again
Just the sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone, there's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

It's a cruel thing you'll never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing, faking a smile when I feel
Like I'm falling apart inside
And now you're gone, there's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

But you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

For the first time, there is no mercy in your eyes
And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away (away)
And now I'm helpless sometimes
Wishing's just no good
'Cause you don't see me like I wish you would

'Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

[Chorus]
There's a moment to seize every-time that we meet
But you always keep passing me by

No, you never were, and you never will be mine

(I saw you at the station,
You had your arm around what's-her-name
She had on that scarf I gave you
And you got down to tie her laces)

'Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You looked happy, and that's great)
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
(I just miss you, that's all)

'Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

[Chorus]

No, you never were, and you never will be mine
'Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You never were, and you never will)
You never were and you never will be mine

[Chorus]

No, you never were, and you never will be mine

I wish...

For people to blog more. At least, those I follow. I'm bored. Bosan tahu?

As Long As You Love Me

I'm glad that my sister has nothing against Justin Bieber. She's not his fan but at least, she doesn't make fun of me just because I listen to JB.

The Question

I ask myself,
Why am I still awake at this ungodly hour?
Even with a massive headache,
I can't seem to go to sleep.
Even when I have nothing better to do,
I find it remotely difficult to shut my eyes.
Nothing is bothering me tonight.
Nothing is keeping me awake.
Why then, do I choose to stay awake?

Why?

Shoegasm

"Number one step to fix a broken heart is to do something that you love doing."

So they say that only time will heal all wounds but until that time comes, i feel that i need to be doing something that can make me happy. I can't afford to be moping around the house till the holidays end, now can I?

So what better way than to cheer myself up rather than to go SHOPPING!!! I'm no Shopaholic but i do enjoy those occasional shopping trips with my family. I have always liked shoes. Unfortunately I have back problem, so I have always opted for flats but deep down, I've always wanted to wear high heels or wedges. Especially for Raya where cute guys in Baju Melayu are everywhere. Surely me in high heels will attract their attention. Because I would appear tad bit taller and perhaps, slimmer as well. 

*insert crickets sound here*

Ok so maybe wearing high heels will not help me attract cute guys but the most important thing is about how I feel inside. About how I think if myself. Right? 

Absolutely. 

That's why I proudly present to my non-existent readers my first wedges. Let's give my awesome-to-die-for-wedges a big round of applause.

Clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap

It's so pretty and a pair of shoes that can make me feel attractive should be loved and cherished for as long as I live and I think that I should start my own shoe collection or something.  

Did I forget to mention that this post is absolutely pointless. The only purpose for this post is to tell whoever's reading my blog that I just went shopping and I bought a new pair of shoes, a new handbag and 4 new baju kurung for Raya which now makes the total of my baju kurung 6 pairs. 

Pardon me and my pointless rants and rambles. Thanks for reading. (Hi Sufee) hahahahahaha

Bright future

Given that my knowledge about Law is almost non-existent but that doesn't make my opinion any less important. 

You don't need to practice law to know that the decision made by the Appeals Court to allow his appeal against the High Court decision to sentence him to five years in jail is 

STUPID

When my sister first told me about this matter, I thought she was joking. Turns out she wasn't joking at all. Apparently, he doesn't have to go to prison because he has a 'bright future' and by sending him to jail, public interest would not be served. 

The first question I have to ask is what do they mean by public interest? Will Malaysians die just because one of our athletes got sent to prison? Will we stop being a nation just because we are short on one bowler to represent Malaysia in bowling tournaments? Is it just because this man who raped a 13-year-old girl is a National Tenpin bowler, therefore he is considered as a valuable asset to country and putting him in jail would be a total waste? Is that it? Are we really that desperate to win a few medals for the country, so we are willing to let a rapist free from getting what he deserved? This bowler is then only bound by a five-year term for good behavior and a penalty of RM25,000.

Direct translation for GOOD BEHAVIOR : You can rape any girl you want as long as you don't get caught. But hey, if you do get caught (again), you don't have to worry. You're not going to go to jail because you're an athlete. Malaysians need you man. So no worries. 

Imagine how many rapists could be prowling around if we let them free just because they have a bright future? Having a bright future doesn't mean that you can do as you please. 

The reason I am mad is because he doesn't want to be held responsible for what he has done. I'm mad because the decision was made without taking into account what the victim had to go through. So he said, they had sex with the consent of the girl. He was 18 years old and she was 13 years old. She was merely a child. She didn't know better. 

What has Malaysia become?

http://sarahaiman.says.com/my/news/is-it-ok-to-rape-if-youve-got-a-bright-future-number-brightfuturerapeok 

Rumah Kasih Harmoni

The first thing that I saw when I arrived at Rumah Kasih Harmoni was the kids performing Maghrib prayer in congregation. It was such a beautiful sight. A boy - around 5 or 6 years old - was the Imam. A boy so young was brave enough to lead his friends for Maghrib prayer. I have seen so many older boys refusing to lead a prayer. If a 6-year-old can do it, then why can't you?

I feel so sad just by looking at them. Some of these kids still have their own parents but because their parents can't afford to take care of them, they are left here. It's quite sad really. At such a young age, there are abandoned by their parents. Some don't even have parents at all. The first thing that came to mind when I saw the children was how do they feel? They are still too young to understand anything. They are not exposed to the outside world yet, so they have nothing to compare their life with. 

And the first thing I did after I saw these kids was I hugged my parents. How lucky I am because I still have my parents with me. Seeing these kids made me feel how insignificant my problems were. How my problems were nothing compared to what they have to go through.

Like what my dad said to me, everyone has their own problems but remember that there are people with much worse problems than you. It doesn't mean that you should think that your problems are nothing or insignificant at all. It's just that when you feel down or when you feel that your life is so fucked up, stop and think for a while. Think of all the good things that you have in your life. Don't just focus on the negative things. Things might not go your way now, but one day it will. 

At least I've learned a valuable lesson today and spending time with adorable kids are definitely the highlight of my day. I am so glad that my dad brought me to Rumah Kasih Harmoni for Iftar today. :) 

These are some pictures that i took. Look at how excited they are with their KFC kids meal. 

                                      

Hi. My name is Naim. 

Isn't he the cutest? :)

Be grateful. Salam Ramadhan. :)

LCW

He had to go through so much before the Olympics. He had family problems and he was injured. Despite all that, he won the Silver Medal in the Olympics for Malaysia. How can you not love this guy? I feel like giving him a big hug. :)

Thank you Dato' Lee Chong Wei. :)

Just A Phase

Somewhere in Malaysia.

Still in the healing process. Still trying to move on. When I say move on, I don't literally mean moving on and finding someone new. I am merely trying to live my life without crying every 5 seconds. Trying to accept what has happened. It has already been two weeks. Time sure flies when you're having the time of your life. I don't really know what's harder - trying to forget him or keeping him as a bittersweet memory. Some things are just too beautiful to get rid of. Some people are just too special to be left behind. Some memories are just too important to be forgotten. I don't really know where I'm going with this.

When the pain was too unbearable, I just sleep it off - hoping that by the time I wake up, the pain would disappear. Unfortunately, the pain is still there. Sometimes, even a bit too much and the only thing I can do is ask myself, ''What went wrong? How did we get to this?''

Truth be told, right now I have so many negative emotions inside of me - anger, fear,sadness and loneliness. I've never felt this way before. I'm just miserable right now and somehow being miserable doesn't seem to be that bad at all. I mean, I do cry a lot because that is just how I express my emotions but crying helps me to get rid of some of my pain and sadness. Is it possible to literally feel like your heart is breaking? Seriously if I were to keep everything inside, there would be a higher chance of me going crazy. I don't want to go crazy over some boy. Even if he meant the world to me. Because I know that by allowing myself to grieve is an important part of the healing process.

Someone told me to keep myself busy, so that is exactly what I'm doing. I have downloaded 60 movies and I'm going to make sure I keep myself busy by watching movies because what better way to cope with heartbreak rather than curling in bed with my laptop & with nobody to disturb me. The perfect therapy for me. :)

Before I go, I leave you with my favourite scene in Sex & The City. This scene never fails to get me all teary eyed. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

May you have all the joy in the world.

Humor me

Funny when you think you can hide your sadness behind that smile of yours

And then, that one person you least expected could actually see right through you

And see just how sad you are at the moment. 

Because you can smile all you want 

But there is so much sadness in your eyes.

You thought you could fool everyone else.

Turns out the only one you're fooling is

YOURSELF.

Ramadhan

It's raining. It's cold and it's Friday. What a better way to start Ramadhan. (:

Can you feel the excitement that Ramadhan is finally here?

I hope you do. Do you know that I always have this sense of pride whenever I can fast on the first day of Ramadhan. Being a girl and all, sometimes I can't but when I can, it just feels great and to be able to fast with the family ; just amazing. I know a few unfortunate people that have to go through this Holy Month without their parents. It must be hard. :/ I can't imagine life without my parents. 

Well to be honest, i didn't think that I would make it till this very day you see. Well I have my doubt. Who doesn't. I mean, I saw an accident the other day. Someone died. So you see death is something common. Comes when least expected. So yeah.

Why so morbid one? To talk about death on the first day of Ramadhan. Well, why shouldn't I? Isn't it better to be reminding yourself about death everyday rather than live in total denial and thinking that you will live till you're 100 years old? 

I want Ramadhan to be my starting point of something better.
But I just don't know what yet.

I will definitely figure it out later.

Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan :D

This has nothing to do with religion

Kau dan aku,

kita berbeza.

Kadang-kala cara kita meluahkan sesuatu berbeza.

Cara kita berfikir juga berbeza.

Penerimaan kita tentang sesuatu juga berbeza.

Semua benda yang berbeza tentang kita buat kita istimewa.

One of its kind. 

Kenapa perlu perlekehkan cara seseorang?

If it doesn't suit you,

so what?

You like to keep everything inside

and I like to let everything out.

Jadi, jangan samakan aku dengan kau.

Kita berbeza.

Ingat tu.

If you don't like anything I do or anything about me,
feel free to leave.

Nothing's going to stop you.

Call your girlfriend

'' The only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again''

Moving on helps. 

A lot.

May

It's already May.

May has always been a special month for me as it's my birthday month. I have always like anything related to May. Like for instance, the number 5.

Unfortunately, my 1st of May started badly. Well, not really considering the fact that I got new things in my closet now. But that's not the point. The point today is that I feel lonely even though I am being surrounded by my parents. It's just sad when you're mad/disappointed at one person, but you let all those anger and frustration out on someone else and you just can't stop feeling guilty. It's just not fair to be mad at the wrong person.

I do admit that I do get emotional on a regular basis but I just couldn't help it. When someone has been hurting me the same way over and over again, and keep on apologizing for the same mistake, I just cant stop thinking whether that person really feels sorry for what he has done.

Fuck this. I'm going to sleep.

Let's pretend that this is my secret blog.

Rahsia itu perkara paling biasa. Terutama dalam hidup manusia. Bukan senang nak simpan semua dalam hati and pretend nothing's bothering you. Kadang-kala kita perlu satu medium untuk jadi saluran keluar semua rasa. Nothing big. Nothing fancy. Just a simple blog like this one. I have always been a big fan of writing but rasa self-conscious terlalu memuncak. I care too much of what people think now walaupun apa mereka kata sepatutnya diabaikan. Easier said than done.

Ini rahsia aku. Keep it safe.

Minat

Dulu menulis sebab minat.
Walaupun tak reti sangat.
Dulu menulis sebab suka.
Walaupun tulis benda mengarut.

Benda bila kita buat datang dari hati,
Insyallah semua menjadi.
Cuma sekarang,
Minat itu masih ada.
Cuma dah kurang.
Tak kisah lah asalkan masih mencuba.

Dari berhenti terus.

Suicidal

I just couldnt stop myself from feeling like a total loser after everything. When I started this with you, there were some people who were very sceptical about us. I was devastated but i know that i would have to prove them wrong. I tried. But turns out there were right all along. I never thought that i would feel this miserable. I hate feeling like this. I thought i was alot stronger than this but turns out i'm not. I'm sorry :(

Please understand

Tears wont longer do. I'm at my very worst. These feelings are making me the most miserable human being ever. I have nowhere else to tell this to. No one to be my confidante nor my confidant. Crying is no longer the solution. The only thing on my mind now is pain. Inflicting pain to myself because somehow the physical pain is more bearable than the pain caused by the heart.

When your heart hurts, you wanna heal it but because you can't actually see the wound. There's nothing to be mend (literally). Therefore it's hard. It's hard to make the pain to go away. It's going to stay and you are not making my wound any better. Everyday, you add salt to it. Making it worst. It's as if you did it on purpose. Just to torment me. Maybe you enjoy seeing me hurt this way. Maybe you find pleasure seeing me in pain. Maybe. Just maybe.


I'm lost. I feel so distant.

I'm sorry.

Darah

Testing testing.

Dari dulu teringin nak menderma darah. Teringin but deep down, aku tahu mustahil. Hari ini pula ada kempen menderma darah di KBM. Gatal nak derma jadi isi je borang. Sangat semangat tengok orang beratur panjang menunggu giliran check darah. Pengalaman tu penting. Tengok orang derma darah depan mata. Even ada budak yang pengsan sebab tak makan sebelum menderma darah. (Yang ni menakutkan)

While waiting for my turn, I took some pictures.

Mula-mula 4 orang yang nak derma darah (termasuk aku) but in the end, Shikin sorang je yang lepas ketiga-tiga halangan (pemeriksaan). I was a bit sad but as I said earlier, it was expected. Aku sangat teringin nak derma tapi tak boleh sebab my blood count was low. Qilah tak lepas sebab demam and Ann pula sebab tak cukup makan and tak cukup tidur. >.< Masing-masing kecewa tapi nak wat macam mana kan. Takkan nak mengamuk kat doktor? -_-'Jadi kami salurkan kekecewaan dengan makan banyak-banyak di kafe. I didn't take alot of pictures due to the dissapointment. Hahaha.

Pemeriksaan pertama : Check darah

The brave ones

Sabar menunggu giliran

Sesiapa yang boleh derma dapat benda ni.

Muka gembira derma darah >.<

Serious sangat cemburu dengan mereka yang boleh derma. Kerana bagi aku, derma darah is a good thing. Boleh tolong orang yang memerlukan. Unfortunately, not everyone wants/has the courage to donate blood. Tapi sekurang-kurangnya masih ada yang mahu. Kudos to those yang menderma darah. :D

Life as it is

via Tumblr

April has only begun but already there's so much things going on. So much decisions to be made. Sacrifices that have to be done.

University life is finally taking its toll on me. With responsibilities and so much things to do, I get wear out. The thing about me is that I think too much at times. More when I get stressed out and when this happened, I find it difficult for me to focus in class. How am I supposed to get Dean's List with this attitude?

Another thing I wanna talk is about unfairness. Do you know that feeling when you know your teacher is not being fair to you? When she gives people she likes high marks. Some people might say I'm overreacting, but after 3 assignments and 1 quiz, turns out my first impression on her wasn't that wrong after all. I'm not happy but I realized how life is unfair. I know I shouldnt be making a big deal out of it but I feel so discourage. When your friend with the same answer as you gets higher marks and you are left with just below average marks, it just discourages me even more when I know I have put effort in doing my job. Yes, I know this is a way of Allah to test me but it doesn't mean I should just keep quiet about it. I pray that Allah gives me strength to accept this and just do my very best. InsyAllah.

I just feel the need to write this down because I believe by writing something down, I can let that thing out of my system. Its hard keeping everything bottled up inside.

Sometimes I wish I was 7 again. ♥

A LETTER

via TUMBLR

Back in the old days (cheewahh), most of my friends who lived far away would get mails from their families. Normally, when their mail arrived, there would be a list name of those with mails on the notice board right outside the hostel's office.

I remember going through the names - hoping - that somehow my name was on it. Alas, that never did happen. I live quite near to my school. So frankly, there's no use for my parents to send me any letters and the fact that they come visit me almost on every weekends make it even more useless to send me any parcel when they can just give it to me by hand. Even so, I still told my dad how I envied my friends who get mails.

And then one day, a miracle happened. My name was on the list. I remembered being so excited because finally, I got a mail! :D

It was a letter from my dad. I don't remember what he wrote but I remembered that he used 'anakanda' and 'ayahanda' which was cool because nobody really uses that anymore. I felt like I was in the 80's or something.

Eventhough from the very beginning I already can guess who sent me the letter, but it still made me happy for the rest of my day. That small gesture that my dad did for me is something I will definitely cherish for the rest of my life. :D

Maybe, I should send my dad a letter. (^^,)

Just..stuff

Been talking on the phone with the boyfriend. Sumpah rindu dia. It has been a month since the last time I saw my boyfriend and I don't even remember how he looks like. (Kidding)  Nasib baik ada telefon. Sekurang-kurangnya I can still hear his voice. Terubat rindu. :')

He's the reason why I'm writing here at this wee hour. I feel like there is something that I have to let out from inside of me but I have no idea what. Go figure. Things are not the way I want them to be. Been skipping classes a lot - even though it's only the beginning of the semester. I was elected as one of the exco in the debate club but dah 2 minggu tak pergi meeting. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

 So, I think i should just go with the flow. Seriously, I think I've been too conscious about stuff that I'm not supposed to be conscious about pun. Macam writing in this blog pun I am too self-conscious jugak. I think too much about what people would say sampai nak tulis pun takut.  And dari dulu lagi I sangat suka tengok perempuan-perempuan cantik. Looking at pretty girls is not an obsession, mind you. Cuma aku suka tengok sebab I don't feel that I'm pretty. Does that make sense? Kadang-kadang nak jadi lawa macam diaorang. Cantik sangat. Sometimes I wish I was pretty. Bila aku luahkan kat orang, the normal reaction I would get is I am ok the way I am. Tapikan apa yang orang rasa and apa yang kita rasa tak sama. Orang mungkin rasa kita dah sempurna seadanya tetapi kalau diri sendiri masih tak puas hati, kira macam tak cukup lagi kan? Is it really wrong to be wanting more? I wanna feel good about myself and right now I am nowhere near that. I used to be optimistic about myself tapi sekarang dah tak. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

There's so many things that I dont wanna be doing anymore. I don't wanna do things last minute. I don't wanna skip class. I don't wanna hate anyone. I don't wanna spend so much money. But I'm still doing all those things. Procrastinating. Skipping classes. Boros. sigh sigh sigh.

And I've been thinking about selling some of my clothes because I'm trying to wear hijab all the time. Most of my baju semua baju orang free hair je layak pakai sebab tak sesuai. heh. I'm still taking baby steps here so don't expect too much from me please. Before this selalunya on off. But I've been thinking. All my life I have been around people yang pakai tudung all the time so nak cakap aku free hair sebab pengaruh rakan sebaya memang jauh panggang dari api. Sebenarnya, Allah has been so kind to me where he gave me nice friends since high school lagi. I didn't realized that sampailah kat universiti ni. Dulu time sekolah menengah, dengar cerita macam-macam. How people always tell you to choose friends wisely sebab kat universiti selalunya banyak pengaruh buruk. But turns out Allah loves me despite all of my sins before. He sent to me nice friends (just to name a few) like Yaya, Wana, Syii, Keyna, Zana, Mila, Yana, Illy, Shikin, Qilah, Ann, Tom, and Siti. Sebab in the end, yang nak berubah is me kan. So i should have the effort to change. I dont really think I should just wait for Allah to change me because that is impossible because I read somewhere yang hidayah perlu dicari. I'm not claiming that Allah bagi hidayah ke apa. I know I'm not special or whatever but I'm blessed. I know I am. Alhamdulillah. Grateful for my friends. Grateful for being alive. Grateful for having such a supportive family. Alhamdulillah. I hope this will go well. InsyAllah.

Zaid was the one who told me to just write everything I feel. He said ''don't think - just write''. So that is what I'm doing now. Writing (almost) everything that I have kept inside.

And I'm glad I followed his advice. :D

Mati itu pasti

Kelmarin, seorang mantan MPP UiTM Kampus Bandaraya Melaka baru sahaja meninggal dunia pada usia yang aku kira sangat muda. 23 tahun. Arwah baru sahaja selesai menjalani praktikalnya.

Kematiannya sedikit sebanyak memberi kesan kepada diriku. Dia lah yang sering menjaga kebajikan warga UiTM Kampus Bandaraya Melaka, terutama mereka-mereka yang tinggal di luar (Non-resident). Secara peribadinya, aku tidak begitu mengenalinya tetapi berdasarkan apa yang aku nampak, arwah seorang yang baik.

 Ramai yang menulis di Facebooknya mengatakan kesedihan. Ketika dia meninggal, begitu ramai yang menyembahyangkan nya. Bahkan, aku dengar yang 3 bas mengiringi jenazahnya dibawa ke Kedah. He really was a good man. Kematiannya membuatkan aku terfikir. Bagaimana agaknya bila aku mati nanti? Jangan salah faham. Aku bukan mahu tahu berapa ramai yang akan meratapi kematian ku. Cuma, aku terfikir. Bagaimana agaknya aku nanti? Arwah banyak berjasa kepada orang yang berada disekelilingnya. Banyak sumbangan yang dia dah buat. Ramai yang merasa kehilangannya.

Tetapi aku ini. Terlalu banyak dosa dan sampai sekarang, apa yang telah aku lakukan yang boleh dibanggakan? Sudahkah aku mengisi masa aku dengan perkara berfaedah? Apa kebaikan yang telah aku lakukan? What will I be remembered for?

Mahu dibandingkan dengan arwah, terlalu jauh aku rasa. Banyak benda aku menyesal. Rasa penyesalan itu akan sentiasa ada. Tetapi benda yang dah lepas memang tak boleh nak buat apa kan. Jadi sekarang aku sedang mencuba. Mecuba menjadi manusia yang lebih baik daripada semalam. Semoga aku hidup ini memberikan kesenangan kepada orang di sekeliling. Bukannya hanya menyusahkan. Aku bukan mahu mencipta sejarah atau menjadi manusia paling mulia ; cuma mahu memastikan aku hidup dengan tujuan. InsyAllah.

Sekiranya ajal aku sudah tiba, aku harap mereka yang membaca ini mampu memaafkan segala kesilapan yang telah aku lakukan kepada mereka. Andai diberi kesempatan, mahu sahaja aku putar ke masa dulu. Supaya aku pilih jalan yang lagi satu.  Tapi aku percaya bahawa setiap benda yang berlaku, pasti ada hikmah di situ. Jadi aku bersyukur dengan jalan yang aku telah lalui kerana aku percaya itu lah yang terbaik. Everything happens for a reason.

Astaghfirullah. May Allah have mercy on all of us.

Al Fatihah Buat Saudara Noramin. Semoga arwah ditempatkan dikalangan orang-orang yang beriman. InsyAllah. 

That awesome moment when I suddenly remembered the existence of Famous Amos cookies in my handbag.

But it quickly turned into a dreadful moment when I could't find my handbag -which I'm pretty sure is somewhere in my room.

I am getting frustrated. Is it really worth it to find the handbag? Yes it's worth it!




On second thought, maybe I should just go to sleep.
Goodnight. xx

Rasa hati.

Nak diceritakan tapi pada siapa? Kalau setiap kali aku luahkan, kau membentak. Jadi aku pilih diam. Aku lebih selesa begitu sebab aku terlalu takut untuk bertekak. Kerana aku gusar, lama-lama perasaan sayang ini hilang. Tapi bila difikirkan balik -  semakin aku diam, semakin aku geram. Semakin aku melawan, semakin sakit aku satu badan. Either way, I'll get hurt.

20 tahun hidup tapi kenapa aku tak tak faham-faham lagi. Sakit itu lumrah. Samaada orang sakitkan kau atau kau yang sakitkan diri kau sendiri. Senang je konsep dia tapi aku ni bebal sangat kot. Susah nak faham. Konon tough nak simpan dalam, tapi easier said than done. Perit simpan dalam ni. Dia membesar dalam badan macam barah. Lama-lama, pecah lah dia and keluarlah segala isi. Time pecah tu, it won't be pretty. Time tu, tiada kesempatan untung mengundur diri. Dah takde masa nak menyesal dah kerana masa tu, segala benda yang keluar dikawal oleh emosi. Dan setiap benda yang dilakukan/diucapkan ketika emosi menguasai diri adalah selalunya perkara yang menyakitkan dan tak boleh ditarik semula. In the end, you'll hurt, not only yourself - but also everyone around u.

And thats the last thing I want to happen. Tapi sebab dah terbiasa sangat buat, sekarang dah susah nak ajar diri ni to let everything out. Semua benda simpan je. Semua benda kalau tak puas hati, cakap takde pape. Sampai bila nak simpan dalam je kerja?

Sampai aku mati. The end.

Random update

What do you feel when you see random photos of ordinary things that you can find in the streets or even in your house that look so beautiful and artistic at the same time? I envy how some people can just take pictures of anything and turn it into something so fantastic. The above picture is my (failed) attempt to capture the street light while the car was moving. I don't have my own camera so I used my BB instead and I just have to say that BB camera sucks. It's 5 megapixel but it's not as pretty as taking pictures using an iPhone. This is the only reason why I missed my old iPhone. I wanna be able to capture everything I see and share it with the world ( or at least with anyone who cares) but for now, I'll just have to make full use of my BB.

Another thing is I feel like i'm coming down with a fever and this is not good. In a couple of days, I'm off to Melaka to attend a top secret training that requires me to speak. But this sore throat I'm having is making my life a living hell. :/ 

How the hell am I going to speak for hours now?

Just something I'm feeling at the moment

Duduk atas katil dalam keadaan lampu malap umpama malam pertama. Malangnya, malam ini bukan malam pertama ku bersama suami (I masih belum kahwin). Cuma, ini malam pertama tidur bersama-sama kakak ku setelah sekian lama. Mungkin aku sedikit menokok tambah apabila aku katakan sudah lama padahal baru beberapa bulan.

Sejak kami punya bilik sendiri, kami semakin jauh. Dulu kongsi bilik. Setiap malam tidur sekatil. Hampir 19 tahun aku punya peneman setia setiap malam. (Kecuali zaman sekolah menengah sebab duduk asrama kan). Dulu walaupun gaduh macam mana, aku akan tetap tidur di sebelahnya. Kenapa? Because I don't have anywhere else to go. Ataupun ketika mahu bergayut dengan kekasih hati, aku tak punya pilihan lain ; bergayut dalam bilik ataupun kat ruang tamu tingkat bawah. Tapi zaman kecik-kecik dulu faham-faham sahajalah. Penakut. Jadi nak tak nak berbual dalam bilik. Lawak bila ingat balik malam-malam sebelum tidur gaduh. Gaduh sebab salah seorang tidur terlebih bahagian yang telah ditetapkan. Itu bahagian kau dan ini bahagian ku.

As we got older, we wanted our own space. Kami mahukan privasi. Dan itulah yang kami dapat. Bilik sorang satu. Sebelah-sebalah tapi masih dihubungkan dengan tandas yang bersambung. Dan malam ni aku lihat kakak ku sedang tidur nyenyak di atas katil ku, aku dapat rasa satu perasaan yang lama hilang. The bondness that we used to have. Tadi sebelum tidur, lepak atas katil tengok movie sama-sama. Aku rindu ini semua.

Sekarang dah jarang buat semua ni. Selalunya lepas pulang, masing-masing akan masuk kedalam bilik and kunci pintu. We don't talk that much and we don't share anything anymore dan sekarang semua itu aku rindu. Kami berdua dah besar dah. Dan 20 tahun. Tak lama lagi akan bekerja dan mempunyai keluarga sendiri. Aku hanya punyai sedikit sahaja masa sebelum itu semua berlaku. Cepat kan masa berlalu? Walau apa-apa pun, aku bersyukur for these past 19 years with my sister. People would normally say to me '' Best ke ada dua orang adik beradik pun. Ramai-ramai lagi best'' Sebenarnya, patutnya tak kisah pun berapa orang pun adik- beradik kita. Yang penting, kita ada. Kita patut fokus kepada apa yang kita ada. Bukannya apa yang kita tak ada. Aku ada seorang je kakak dan aku bersyukur. Sekurang-kurangnya, I have one.

Aku tak tahu apa yang aku merapu malam-malam buta macam ni. Tetiba sentimental. hahahahaha. I think I'm off to bed now.

Good night.

Just something bothering me

Are you in a relationship? Have you met your boyfriend's friends? So how was it?

Kalut lah Sarah ni. Some people might say I'm overreacting but i am 100% positively sure that I'm not. My reaction is normal, right? I have been with the current boyfriend for almost 6 months now. And he said that he wants me to meet his friends. Don't get me wrong here. I don't mind meeting his friends as personally I think it would be awesome to get to know his friends but here's the thing, I'm scared. :S I do know that they are not monsters and they don't eat people. Yes I am well aware of that. I have no strong reason to back me up on this matter. Why don't I want to see his friends?

I am afraid of their impressions on me because truth be told, I give bad first impression.

''Aku ingat kau sombong mula-mula kenal....''
'' Kau nampak macam tak nak kawan je awal-awal dulu.....''

See? Bad impression (sigh) Need to change that. Am still working on it. And some people, they tend to stick with their first impression about that someone. I know I am not being fair here. I'm judging his friends before I even know them. Please, please,pleaseeeeeee dont get me wrong here. It is just how I am. I like to think of the most negative scenario to happen rather than being positive (This is another thing I'm trying to change) Why am I like this?

Because I've heard of what other people has said about other people's girlfriend (I'm not making any sense) You hear how people say that A's gf is a bitch or B's girlfriend is a slightly arrogant. When talking and getting to know someone, you don't know what message you're sending across. From the way you talk, walk, dresses, laugh, stare and even stand, everything plays a vital key. Some people might think that going to see you boyfriend's/girlfriend's familly is nerve wrecking - to me this is the same deal. It's very nerve wrecking.

Hahahahahahahahaha I am making a big of a deal out of this.He has met a few of my friends and he seems cool about it. So why can't I be cool about it too? :) I can't promise anything but at least I can try.

I wonder what would be their first impression of me?
I would never know unless I meet them.