Enough is enough

Taken from Ezzah's blog.

You know when someone just went through a devastating break up and the common thing one would say is "Don't worry. One day, he/she will realize what a big mistake he/she has made by letting you go".

Today i caught myself thinking exactly that and I literally gave myself a hit on the head after I thought that. Why on earth did that came to mind? I don't want to be living my life thinking that way. I would be lying to myself if i keep telling myself that. I know that he's not going to regret breaking up with me because he has been thinking about breaking up for a very long time. So when it happens, it's pretty much a sure thing. Nothing I can do or say to change his decision. 

 As pathetic as I might sound, I did a search on Google about how to heal broken hearts. No matter how many times I've gone through a break up, I must say this was the worst yet. I've never felt so lost before. This was the first time and I was in need of a serious help. There were a few friends that helped me out (including my dear sister) and I'm eternally grateful for these people but I know that I have to help myself. I can't rely on people to make me feel better. Healing a broken heart is never easy.

I would be lying if I were to say I'm perfectly fine when the truth is I'm not. I'm mad. I am sad. I feel like punching his face. I have thought of every possible way of causing his pain and harm. But who am I kidding? Revenge only gives temporary satisfaction. Why should I go for that? I should opt for something worthwhile. I should opt for something that will make me feel good about myself.

I should stop thinking about all the things that I did (or didn't do) that may have led to the inevitable. Asking myself was there anything that I could have done to stop this from happening. When the truth is nothing lasts forever, so we need to become comfortable with the fact that at some point, it will end.

A friend told me that there are 5 stages of grief which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

My denial ended after I asked him is there any chance of us getting back together ever again and his answer was No. The truth was bitter but I had to swallow it. I know I had to stop moping and start living. I know I have to stop loving a man whose heart's no longer mine. Why should I cry over a man who has chosen to stop loving me and someone who still can't commit after almost a year? Enough tears for this man.

So maybe I'm in stage two ; Anger. I just want to reach a stage when I can just say F*ck it. You know everyone has been celebrating how long they have been together with their boyfriends/girlfriends right? I've decided to celebrate my singlehood with myself. I should be able love myself more than I love someone else. It's going to be hard but I have my sister and friends with me. Everyday people go through break ups and they are doing just fine. Some are even making money dealing with heart breaks.

I'm a fighter and this post will be a reminder a few years later on how I am now. This feeling I have right now will be a distant memory. I want to feel better about myself.

I'll fight back. You just wait and see.