Just..stuff

Been talking on the phone with the boyfriend. Sumpah rindu dia. It has been a month since the last time I saw my boyfriend and I don't even remember how he looks like. (Kidding)  Nasib baik ada telefon. Sekurang-kurangnya I can still hear his voice. Terubat rindu. :')

He's the reason why I'm writing here at this wee hour. I feel like there is something that I have to let out from inside of me but I have no idea what. Go figure. Things are not the way I want them to be. Been skipping classes a lot - even though it's only the beginning of the semester. I was elected as one of the exco in the debate club but dah 2 minggu tak pergi meeting. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

 So, I think i should just go with the flow. Seriously, I think I've been too conscious about stuff that I'm not supposed to be conscious about pun. Macam writing in this blog pun I am too self-conscious jugak. I think too much about what people would say sampai nak tulis pun takut.  And dari dulu lagi I sangat suka tengok perempuan-perempuan cantik. Looking at pretty girls is not an obsession, mind you. Cuma aku suka tengok sebab I don't feel that I'm pretty. Does that make sense? Kadang-kadang nak jadi lawa macam diaorang. Cantik sangat. Sometimes I wish I was pretty. Bila aku luahkan kat orang, the normal reaction I would get is I am ok the way I am. Tapikan apa yang orang rasa and apa yang kita rasa tak sama. Orang mungkin rasa kita dah sempurna seadanya tetapi kalau diri sendiri masih tak puas hati, kira macam tak cukup lagi kan? Is it really wrong to be wanting more? I wanna feel good about myself and right now I am nowhere near that. I used to be optimistic about myself tapi sekarang dah tak. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

There's so many things that I dont wanna be doing anymore. I don't wanna do things last minute. I don't wanna skip class. I don't wanna hate anyone. I don't wanna spend so much money. But I'm still doing all those things. Procrastinating. Skipping classes. Boros. sigh sigh sigh.

And I've been thinking about selling some of my clothes because I'm trying to wear hijab all the time. Most of my baju semua baju orang free hair je layak pakai sebab tak sesuai. heh. I'm still taking baby steps here so don't expect too much from me please. Before this selalunya on off. But I've been thinking. All my life I have been around people yang pakai tudung all the time so nak cakap aku free hair sebab pengaruh rakan sebaya memang jauh panggang dari api. Sebenarnya, Allah has been so kind to me where he gave me nice friends since high school lagi. I didn't realized that sampailah kat universiti ni. Dulu time sekolah menengah, dengar cerita macam-macam. How people always tell you to choose friends wisely sebab kat universiti selalunya banyak pengaruh buruk. But turns out Allah loves me despite all of my sins before. He sent to me nice friends (just to name a few) like Yaya, Wana, Syii, Keyna, Zana, Mila, Yana, Illy, Shikin, Qilah, Ann, Tom, and Siti. Sebab in the end, yang nak berubah is me kan. So i should have the effort to change. I dont really think I should just wait for Allah to change me because that is impossible because I read somewhere yang hidayah perlu dicari. I'm not claiming that Allah bagi hidayah ke apa. I know I'm not special or whatever but I'm blessed. I know I am. Alhamdulillah. Grateful for my friends. Grateful for being alive. Grateful for having such a supportive family. Alhamdulillah. I hope this will go well. InsyAllah.

Zaid was the one who told me to just write everything I feel. He said ''don't think - just write''. So that is what I'm doing now. Writing (almost) everything that I have kept inside.

And I'm glad I followed his advice. :D