Rindu

Entah kenapa malam ni rasa sedih sangat. Kakak dah balik Sabah. Dia ada tangungjawab di sana. Dan untuk pertama kalinya, aku menangis bila dia nak balik sana dah. Pertama kali rasa macam ni.

Dari sekolah menengah kitaorg terpisah. Aku duduk asrama, dia pulak duduk rumah. Lepastu habis sekolah menengah, dia dapat universiti jauh nun di sana, and aku dapat universiti kat Melaka. Kira aku dekat lah dengan rumah. Setiap minggu balik rumah and kakak pulak hanya pulang 6 bulan sekali je. Jadi kira macam kitaorang ni dah biasalah berjauhan.

Tapi cuti baru ni, aku jadi rapat balik dengan kakak. Dialah tempat aku mengadu. Malam-malam rasa sedih sikit cari dia. Dia layan je kerenah aku. Bila aku duduk rumah sorang-sorang and dia keluar dengan boyfriend dia, dia mesti belikan aku makanan sebab aku ni tak reti masak. Walaupun aku ni kuat menangis, dia tak pernah ejek aku ke apa. Dia tak pernah mengungkit.

Aku rindu nak tidur sebilik dengan kakak. Rindunya kat dia. Tadi sebelum dia balik Sabah, kakak belikan aku lollipop. :') Kakak suka layan aku macam budak kecik. Kadang-kadang dia cakap aku ni lembik tapi dia layan jugak. Dia baik sangat.

Steps

I am flawed.

I've seen people all around me try to change for the better - including myself - but I still find myself slacking from time to time.

I often ask myself, why am I inconsistent in what I do? Why is it so hard to make a change when everyone else makes it seem so easy for them. I know that change is never easy. It takes a lot of effort to make even the slightest difference in ones life.

I want to be a better Muslimah, daughter, sister and friend. Someday - InsyAllah

Baby steps Sarah. Baby steps. 

"If you see one of you have slipped - correct him and pray for him.

Do not help shaytan against him (by insulting him)"

Ummar Al Khattab R.A

Tafseer Al Qurtubi, 15/256

MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN :D

Pardon the big picture of me. I was just excited to see myself with facial hair. Haha. 

Jokes aside, I would like to wish everyone I know and who reads my blog a very Happy Raya and please forgive me if I have offended or hurt anyone in any way possible. Have a blessed Syawal people

Enough is enough

Taken from Ezzah's blog.

You know when someone just went through a devastating break up and the common thing one would say is "Don't worry. One day, he/she will realize what a big mistake he/she has made by letting you go".

Today i caught myself thinking exactly that and I literally gave myself a hit on the head after I thought that. Why on earth did that came to mind? I don't want to be living my life thinking that way. I would be lying to myself if i keep telling myself that. I know that he's not going to regret breaking up with me because he has been thinking about breaking up for a very long time. So when it happens, it's pretty much a sure thing. Nothing I can do or say to change his decision. 

 As pathetic as I might sound, I did a search on Google about how to heal broken hearts. No matter how many times I've gone through a break up, I must say this was the worst yet. I've never felt so lost before. This was the first time and I was in need of a serious help. There were a few friends that helped me out (including my dear sister) and I'm eternally grateful for these people but I know that I have to help myself. I can't rely on people to make me feel better. Healing a broken heart is never easy.

I would be lying if I were to say I'm perfectly fine when the truth is I'm not. I'm mad. I am sad. I feel like punching his face. I have thought of every possible way of causing his pain and harm. But who am I kidding? Revenge only gives temporary satisfaction. Why should I go for that? I should opt for something worthwhile. I should opt for something that will make me feel good about myself.

I should stop thinking about all the things that I did (or didn't do) that may have led to the inevitable. Asking myself was there anything that I could have done to stop this from happening. When the truth is nothing lasts forever, so we need to become comfortable with the fact that at some point, it will end.

A friend told me that there are 5 stages of grief which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

My denial ended after I asked him is there any chance of us getting back together ever again and his answer was No. The truth was bitter but I had to swallow it. I know I had to stop moping and start living. I know I have to stop loving a man whose heart's no longer mine. Why should I cry over a man who has chosen to stop loving me and someone who still can't commit after almost a year? Enough tears for this man.

So maybe I'm in stage two ; Anger. I just want to reach a stage when I can just say F*ck it. You know everyone has been celebrating how long they have been together with their boyfriends/girlfriends right? I've decided to celebrate my singlehood with myself. I should be able love myself more than I love someone else. It's going to be hard but I have my sister and friends with me. Everyday people go through break ups and they are doing just fine. Some are even making money dealing with heart breaks.

I'm a fighter and this post will be a reminder a few years later on how I am now. This feeling I have right now will be a distant memory. I want to feel better about myself.

I'll fight back. You just wait and see.   

Be Mine

It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance to promise to never mess it up again
Just the sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone, there's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

It's a cruel thing you'll never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing, faking a smile when I feel
Like I'm falling apart inside
And now you're gone, there's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

But you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

For the first time, there is no mercy in your eyes
And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away (away)
And now I'm helpless sometimes
Wishing's just no good
'Cause you don't see me like I wish you would

'Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

[Chorus]
There's a moment to seize every-time that we meet
But you always keep passing me by

No, you never were, and you never will be mine

(I saw you at the station,
You had your arm around what's-her-name
She had on that scarf I gave you
And you got down to tie her laces)

'Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You looked happy, and that's great)
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
(I just miss you, that's all)

'Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

[Chorus]

No, you never were, and you never will be mine
'Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You never were, and you never will)
You never were and you never will be mine

[Chorus]

No, you never were, and you never will be mine

I wish...

For people to blog more. At least, those I follow. I'm bored. Bosan tahu?

As Long As You Love Me

I'm glad that my sister has nothing against Justin Bieber. She's not his fan but at least, she doesn't make fun of me just because I listen to JB.

The Question

I ask myself,
Why am I still awake at this ungodly hour?
Even with a massive headache,
I can't seem to go to sleep.
Even when I have nothing better to do,
I find it remotely difficult to shut my eyes.
Nothing is bothering me tonight.
Nothing is keeping me awake.
Why then, do I choose to stay awake?

Why?

Shoegasm

"Number one step to fix a broken heart is to do something that you love doing."

So they say that only time will heal all wounds but until that time comes, i feel that i need to be doing something that can make me happy. I can't afford to be moping around the house till the holidays end, now can I?

So what better way than to cheer myself up rather than to go SHOPPING!!! I'm no Shopaholic but i do enjoy those occasional shopping trips with my family. I have always liked shoes. Unfortunately I have back problem, so I have always opted for flats but deep down, I've always wanted to wear high heels or wedges. Especially for Raya where cute guys in Baju Melayu are everywhere. Surely me in high heels will attract their attention. Because I would appear tad bit taller and perhaps, slimmer as well. 

*insert crickets sound here*

Ok so maybe wearing high heels will not help me attract cute guys but the most important thing is about how I feel inside. About how I think if myself. Right? 

Absolutely. 

That's why I proudly present to my non-existent readers my first wedges. Let's give my awesome-to-die-for-wedges a big round of applause.

Clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap

It's so pretty and a pair of shoes that can make me feel attractive should be loved and cherished for as long as I live and I think that I should start my own shoe collection or something.  

Did I forget to mention that this post is absolutely pointless. The only purpose for this post is to tell whoever's reading my blog that I just went shopping and I bought a new pair of shoes, a new handbag and 4 new baju kurung for Raya which now makes the total of my baju kurung 6 pairs. 

Pardon me and my pointless rants and rambles. Thanks for reading. (Hi Sufee) hahahahahaha

Bright future

Given that my knowledge about Law is almost non-existent but that doesn't make my opinion any less important. 

You don't need to practice law to know that the decision made by the Appeals Court to allow his appeal against the High Court decision to sentence him to five years in jail is 

STUPID

When my sister first told me about this matter, I thought she was joking. Turns out she wasn't joking at all. Apparently, he doesn't have to go to prison because he has a 'bright future' and by sending him to jail, public interest would not be served. 

The first question I have to ask is what do they mean by public interest? Will Malaysians die just because one of our athletes got sent to prison? Will we stop being a nation just because we are short on one bowler to represent Malaysia in bowling tournaments? Is it just because this man who raped a 13-year-old girl is a National Tenpin bowler, therefore he is considered as a valuable asset to country and putting him in jail would be a total waste? Is that it? Are we really that desperate to win a few medals for the country, so we are willing to let a rapist free from getting what he deserved? This bowler is then only bound by a five-year term for good behavior and a penalty of RM25,000.

Direct translation for GOOD BEHAVIOR : You can rape any girl you want as long as you don't get caught. But hey, if you do get caught (again), you don't have to worry. You're not going to go to jail because you're an athlete. Malaysians need you man. So no worries. 

Imagine how many rapists could be prowling around if we let them free just because they have a bright future? Having a bright future doesn't mean that you can do as you please. 

The reason I am mad is because he doesn't want to be held responsible for what he has done. I'm mad because the decision was made without taking into account what the victim had to go through. So he said, they had sex with the consent of the girl. He was 18 years old and she was 13 years old. She was merely a child. She didn't know better. 

What has Malaysia become?

http://sarahaiman.says.com/my/news/is-it-ok-to-rape-if-youve-got-a-bright-future-number-brightfuturerapeok 

Rumah Kasih Harmoni

The first thing that I saw when I arrived at Rumah Kasih Harmoni was the kids performing Maghrib prayer in congregation. It was such a beautiful sight. A boy - around 5 or 6 years old - was the Imam. A boy so young was brave enough to lead his friends for Maghrib prayer. I have seen so many older boys refusing to lead a prayer. If a 6-year-old can do it, then why can't you?

I feel so sad just by looking at them. Some of these kids still have their own parents but because their parents can't afford to take care of them, they are left here. It's quite sad really. At such a young age, there are abandoned by their parents. Some don't even have parents at all. The first thing that came to mind when I saw the children was how do they feel? They are still too young to understand anything. They are not exposed to the outside world yet, so they have nothing to compare their life with. 

And the first thing I did after I saw these kids was I hugged my parents. How lucky I am because I still have my parents with me. Seeing these kids made me feel how insignificant my problems were. How my problems were nothing compared to what they have to go through.

Like what my dad said to me, everyone has their own problems but remember that there are people with much worse problems than you. It doesn't mean that you should think that your problems are nothing or insignificant at all. It's just that when you feel down or when you feel that your life is so fucked up, stop and think for a while. Think of all the good things that you have in your life. Don't just focus on the negative things. Things might not go your way now, but one day it will. 

At least I've learned a valuable lesson today and spending time with adorable kids are definitely the highlight of my day. I am so glad that my dad brought me to Rumah Kasih Harmoni for Iftar today. :) 

These are some pictures that i took. Look at how excited they are with their KFC kids meal. 

                                      

Hi. My name is Naim. 

Isn't he the cutest? :)

Be grateful. Salam Ramadhan. :)

LCW

He had to go through so much before the Olympics. He had family problems and he was injured. Despite all that, he won the Silver Medal in the Olympics for Malaysia. How can you not love this guy? I feel like giving him a big hug. :)

Thank you Dato' Lee Chong Wei. :)

Just A Phase

Somewhere in Malaysia.

Still in the healing process. Still trying to move on. When I say move on, I don't literally mean moving on and finding someone new. I am merely trying to live my life without crying every 5 seconds. Trying to accept what has happened. It has already been two weeks. Time sure flies when you're having the time of your life. I don't really know what's harder - trying to forget him or keeping him as a bittersweet memory. Some things are just too beautiful to get rid of. Some people are just too special to be left behind. Some memories are just too important to be forgotten. I don't really know where I'm going with this.

When the pain was too unbearable, I just sleep it off - hoping that by the time I wake up, the pain would disappear. Unfortunately, the pain is still there. Sometimes, even a bit too much and the only thing I can do is ask myself, ''What went wrong? How did we get to this?''

Truth be told, right now I have so many negative emotions inside of me - anger, fear,sadness and loneliness. I've never felt this way before. I'm just miserable right now and somehow being miserable doesn't seem to be that bad at all. I mean, I do cry a lot because that is just how I express my emotions but crying helps me to get rid of some of my pain and sadness. Is it possible to literally feel like your heart is breaking? Seriously if I were to keep everything inside, there would be a higher chance of me going crazy. I don't want to go crazy over some boy. Even if he meant the world to me. Because I know that by allowing myself to grieve is an important part of the healing process.

Someone told me to keep myself busy, so that is exactly what I'm doing. I have downloaded 60 movies and I'm going to make sure I keep myself busy by watching movies because what better way to cope with heartbreak rather than curling in bed with my laptop & with nobody to disturb me. The perfect therapy for me. :)

Before I go, I leave you with my favourite scene in Sex & The City. This scene never fails to get me all teary eyed. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

May you have all the joy in the world.