Rasa hati.

Nak diceritakan tapi pada siapa? Kalau setiap kali aku luahkan, kau membentak. Jadi aku pilih diam. Aku lebih selesa begitu sebab aku terlalu takut untuk bertekak. Kerana aku gusar, lama-lama perasaan sayang ini hilang. Tapi bila difikirkan balik -  semakin aku diam, semakin aku geram. Semakin aku melawan, semakin sakit aku satu badan. Either way, I'll get hurt.

20 tahun hidup tapi kenapa aku tak tak faham-faham lagi. Sakit itu lumrah. Samaada orang sakitkan kau atau kau yang sakitkan diri kau sendiri. Senang je konsep dia tapi aku ni bebal sangat kot. Susah nak faham. Konon tough nak simpan dalam, tapi easier said than done. Perit simpan dalam ni. Dia membesar dalam badan macam barah. Lama-lama, pecah lah dia and keluarlah segala isi. Time pecah tu, it won't be pretty. Time tu, tiada kesempatan untung mengundur diri. Dah takde masa nak menyesal dah kerana masa tu, segala benda yang keluar dikawal oleh emosi. Dan setiap benda yang dilakukan/diucapkan ketika emosi menguasai diri adalah selalunya perkara yang menyakitkan dan tak boleh ditarik semula. In the end, you'll hurt, not only yourself - but also everyone around u.

And thats the last thing I want to happen. Tapi sebab dah terbiasa sangat buat, sekarang dah susah nak ajar diri ni to let everything out. Semua benda simpan je. Semua benda kalau tak puas hati, cakap takde pape. Sampai bila nak simpan dalam je kerja?

Sampai aku mati. The end.

Random update

What do you feel when you see random photos of ordinary things that you can find in the streets or even in your house that look so beautiful and artistic at the same time? I envy how some people can just take pictures of anything and turn it into something so fantastic. The above picture is my (failed) attempt to capture the street light while the car was moving. I don't have my own camera so I used my BB instead and I just have to say that BB camera sucks. It's 5 megapixel but it's not as pretty as taking pictures using an iPhone. This is the only reason why I missed my old iPhone. I wanna be able to capture everything I see and share it with the world ( or at least with anyone who cares) but for now, I'll just have to make full use of my BB.

Another thing is I feel like i'm coming down with a fever and this is not good. In a couple of days, I'm off to Melaka to attend a top secret training that requires me to speak. But this sore throat I'm having is making my life a living hell. :/ 

How the hell am I going to speak for hours now?

Just something I'm feeling at the moment

Duduk atas katil dalam keadaan lampu malap umpama malam pertama. Malangnya, malam ini bukan malam pertama ku bersama suami (I masih belum kahwin). Cuma, ini malam pertama tidur bersama-sama kakak ku setelah sekian lama. Mungkin aku sedikit menokok tambah apabila aku katakan sudah lama padahal baru beberapa bulan.

Sejak kami punya bilik sendiri, kami semakin jauh. Dulu kongsi bilik. Setiap malam tidur sekatil. Hampir 19 tahun aku punya peneman setia setiap malam. (Kecuali zaman sekolah menengah sebab duduk asrama kan). Dulu walaupun gaduh macam mana, aku akan tetap tidur di sebelahnya. Kenapa? Because I don't have anywhere else to go. Ataupun ketika mahu bergayut dengan kekasih hati, aku tak punya pilihan lain ; bergayut dalam bilik ataupun kat ruang tamu tingkat bawah. Tapi zaman kecik-kecik dulu faham-faham sahajalah. Penakut. Jadi nak tak nak berbual dalam bilik. Lawak bila ingat balik malam-malam sebelum tidur gaduh. Gaduh sebab salah seorang tidur terlebih bahagian yang telah ditetapkan. Itu bahagian kau dan ini bahagian ku.

As we got older, we wanted our own space. Kami mahukan privasi. Dan itulah yang kami dapat. Bilik sorang satu. Sebelah-sebalah tapi masih dihubungkan dengan tandas yang bersambung. Dan malam ni aku lihat kakak ku sedang tidur nyenyak di atas katil ku, aku dapat rasa satu perasaan yang lama hilang. The bondness that we used to have. Tadi sebelum tidur, lepak atas katil tengok movie sama-sama. Aku rindu ini semua.

Sekarang dah jarang buat semua ni. Selalunya lepas pulang, masing-masing akan masuk kedalam bilik and kunci pintu. We don't talk that much and we don't share anything anymore dan sekarang semua itu aku rindu. Kami berdua dah besar dah. Dan 20 tahun. Tak lama lagi akan bekerja dan mempunyai keluarga sendiri. Aku hanya punyai sedikit sahaja masa sebelum itu semua berlaku. Cepat kan masa berlalu? Walau apa-apa pun, aku bersyukur for these past 19 years with my sister. People would normally say to me '' Best ke ada dua orang adik beradik pun. Ramai-ramai lagi best'' Sebenarnya, patutnya tak kisah pun berapa orang pun adik- beradik kita. Yang penting, kita ada. Kita patut fokus kepada apa yang kita ada. Bukannya apa yang kita tak ada. Aku ada seorang je kakak dan aku bersyukur. Sekurang-kurangnya, I have one.

Aku tak tahu apa yang aku merapu malam-malam buta macam ni. Tetiba sentimental. hahahahaha. I think I'm off to bed now.

Good night.

Just something bothering me

Are you in a relationship? Have you met your boyfriend's friends? So how was it?

Kalut lah Sarah ni. Some people might say I'm overreacting but i am 100% positively sure that I'm not. My reaction is normal, right? I have been with the current boyfriend for almost 6 months now. And he said that he wants me to meet his friends. Don't get me wrong here. I don't mind meeting his friends as personally I think it would be awesome to get to know his friends but here's the thing, I'm scared. :S I do know that they are not monsters and they don't eat people. Yes I am well aware of that. I have no strong reason to back me up on this matter. Why don't I want to see his friends?

I am afraid of their impressions on me because truth be told, I give bad first impression.

''Aku ingat kau sombong mula-mula kenal....''
'' Kau nampak macam tak nak kawan je awal-awal dulu.....''

See? Bad impression (sigh) Need to change that. Am still working on it. And some people, they tend to stick with their first impression about that someone. I know I am not being fair here. I'm judging his friends before I even know them. Please, please,pleaseeeeeee dont get me wrong here. It is just how I am. I like to think of the most negative scenario to happen rather than being positive (This is another thing I'm trying to change) Why am I like this?

Because I've heard of what other people has said about other people's girlfriend (I'm not making any sense) You hear how people say that A's gf is a bitch or B's girlfriend is a slightly arrogant. When talking and getting to know someone, you don't know what message you're sending across. From the way you talk, walk, dresses, laugh, stare and even stand, everything plays a vital key. Some people might think that going to see you boyfriend's/girlfriend's familly is nerve wrecking - to me this is the same deal. It's very nerve wrecking.

Hahahahahahahahaha I am making a big of a deal out of this.He has met a few of my friends and he seems cool about it. So why can't I be cool about it too? :) I can't promise anything but at least I can try.

I wonder what would be their first impression of me?
I would never know unless I meet them.

This post was not meant to scare people off.

I have a thing for pimples. I don't hate them really. Espeacially if they are on my face because there's nothing that I like more than squeezing those pimples and seeing all those blood and white stuff oozing out from them. Yes when describe it is quite disgusting but it's actually something rather fascinating.

Believe it or not, I don't mind popping other people's pimples. I've done this a few times before during high school years. I still remember during weekends me and another friend would sit on the floor at the verandah and with tissue in my hand, I was ready to pop my friend's pimple(s). yes, popping a pimple is painful but you can't deny the pleasure one gets. (Sorry if i'm freaking anyone out here). Normally girls would go hysterical when pimples start to come out on their faces but I just couldn't care less. (Yes, I am weird like that)

So ladies (and gentlemen) if you happen to see a pimple somewhere on my face (normally, on my nose) don't be sad for me and stop pointing it out to me. Because frankly speaking, there's a high chance I've already known about it. It is my face after all.

And this lucky gal has a boyfriend with pimples all over his face. :D How lucky can one girl get. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAHAH *evil laugh.