A LETTER

via TUMBLR

Back in the old days (cheewahh), most of my friends who lived far away would get mails from their families. Normally, when their mail arrived, there would be a list name of those with mails on the notice board right outside the hostel's office.

I remember going through the names - hoping - that somehow my name was on it. Alas, that never did happen. I live quite near to my school. So frankly, there's no use for my parents to send me any letters and the fact that they come visit me almost on every weekends make it even more useless to send me any parcel when they can just give it to me by hand. Even so, I still told my dad how I envied my friends who get mails.

And then one day, a miracle happened. My name was on the list. I remembered being so excited because finally, I got a mail! :D

It was a letter from my dad. I don't remember what he wrote but I remembered that he used 'anakanda' and 'ayahanda' which was cool because nobody really uses that anymore. I felt like I was in the 80's or something.

Eventhough from the very beginning I already can guess who sent me the letter, but it still made me happy for the rest of my day. That small gesture that my dad did for me is something I will definitely cherish for the rest of my life. :D

Maybe, I should send my dad a letter. (^^,)

Just..stuff

Been talking on the phone with the boyfriend. Sumpah rindu dia. It has been a month since the last time I saw my boyfriend and I don't even remember how he looks like. (Kidding)  Nasib baik ada telefon. Sekurang-kurangnya I can still hear his voice. Terubat rindu. :')

He's the reason why I'm writing here at this wee hour. I feel like there is something that I have to let out from inside of me but I have no idea what. Go figure. Things are not the way I want them to be. Been skipping classes a lot - even though it's only the beginning of the semester. I was elected as one of the exco in the debate club but dah 2 minggu tak pergi meeting. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

 So, I think i should just go with the flow. Seriously, I think I've been too conscious about stuff that I'm not supposed to be conscious about pun. Macam writing in this blog pun I am too self-conscious jugak. I think too much about what people would say sampai nak tulis pun takut.  And dari dulu lagi I sangat suka tengok perempuan-perempuan cantik. Looking at pretty girls is not an obsession, mind you. Cuma aku suka tengok sebab I don't feel that I'm pretty. Does that make sense? Kadang-kadang nak jadi lawa macam diaorang. Cantik sangat. Sometimes I wish I was pretty. Bila aku luahkan kat orang, the normal reaction I would get is I am ok the way I am. Tapikan apa yang orang rasa and apa yang kita rasa tak sama. Orang mungkin rasa kita dah sempurna seadanya tetapi kalau diri sendiri masih tak puas hati, kira macam tak cukup lagi kan? Is it really wrong to be wanting more? I wanna feel good about myself and right now I am nowhere near that. I used to be optimistic about myself tapi sekarang dah tak. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

There's so many things that I dont wanna be doing anymore. I don't wanna do things last minute. I don't wanna skip class. I don't wanna hate anyone. I don't wanna spend so much money. But I'm still doing all those things. Procrastinating. Skipping classes. Boros. sigh sigh sigh.

And I've been thinking about selling some of my clothes because I'm trying to wear hijab all the time. Most of my baju semua baju orang free hair je layak pakai sebab tak sesuai. heh. I'm still taking baby steps here so don't expect too much from me please. Before this selalunya on off. But I've been thinking. All my life I have been around people yang pakai tudung all the time so nak cakap aku free hair sebab pengaruh rakan sebaya memang jauh panggang dari api. Sebenarnya, Allah has been so kind to me where he gave me nice friends since high school lagi. I didn't realized that sampailah kat universiti ni. Dulu time sekolah menengah, dengar cerita macam-macam. How people always tell you to choose friends wisely sebab kat universiti selalunya banyak pengaruh buruk. But turns out Allah loves me despite all of my sins before. He sent to me nice friends (just to name a few) like Yaya, Wana, Syii, Keyna, Zana, Mila, Yana, Illy, Shikin, Qilah, Ann, Tom, and Siti. Sebab in the end, yang nak berubah is me kan. So i should have the effort to change. I dont really think I should just wait for Allah to change me because that is impossible because I read somewhere yang hidayah perlu dicari. I'm not claiming that Allah bagi hidayah ke apa. I know I'm not special or whatever but I'm blessed. I know I am. Alhamdulillah. Grateful for my friends. Grateful for being alive. Grateful for having such a supportive family. Alhamdulillah. I hope this will go well. InsyAllah.

Zaid was the one who told me to just write everything I feel. He said ''don't think - just write''. So that is what I'm doing now. Writing (almost) everything that I have kept inside.

And I'm glad I followed his advice. :D

Mati itu pasti

Kelmarin, seorang mantan MPP UiTM Kampus Bandaraya Melaka baru sahaja meninggal dunia pada usia yang aku kira sangat muda. 23 tahun. Arwah baru sahaja selesai menjalani praktikalnya.

Kematiannya sedikit sebanyak memberi kesan kepada diriku. Dia lah yang sering menjaga kebajikan warga UiTM Kampus Bandaraya Melaka, terutama mereka-mereka yang tinggal di luar (Non-resident). Secara peribadinya, aku tidak begitu mengenalinya tetapi berdasarkan apa yang aku nampak, arwah seorang yang baik.

 Ramai yang menulis di Facebooknya mengatakan kesedihan. Ketika dia meninggal, begitu ramai yang menyembahyangkan nya. Bahkan, aku dengar yang 3 bas mengiringi jenazahnya dibawa ke Kedah. He really was a good man. Kematiannya membuatkan aku terfikir. Bagaimana agaknya bila aku mati nanti? Jangan salah faham. Aku bukan mahu tahu berapa ramai yang akan meratapi kematian ku. Cuma, aku terfikir. Bagaimana agaknya aku nanti? Arwah banyak berjasa kepada orang yang berada disekelilingnya. Banyak sumbangan yang dia dah buat. Ramai yang merasa kehilangannya.

Tetapi aku ini. Terlalu banyak dosa dan sampai sekarang, apa yang telah aku lakukan yang boleh dibanggakan? Sudahkah aku mengisi masa aku dengan perkara berfaedah? Apa kebaikan yang telah aku lakukan? What will I be remembered for?

Mahu dibandingkan dengan arwah, terlalu jauh aku rasa. Banyak benda aku menyesal. Rasa penyesalan itu akan sentiasa ada. Tetapi benda yang dah lepas memang tak boleh nak buat apa kan. Jadi sekarang aku sedang mencuba. Mecuba menjadi manusia yang lebih baik daripada semalam. Semoga aku hidup ini memberikan kesenangan kepada orang di sekeliling. Bukannya hanya menyusahkan. Aku bukan mahu mencipta sejarah atau menjadi manusia paling mulia ; cuma mahu memastikan aku hidup dengan tujuan. InsyAllah.

Sekiranya ajal aku sudah tiba, aku harap mereka yang membaca ini mampu memaafkan segala kesilapan yang telah aku lakukan kepada mereka. Andai diberi kesempatan, mahu sahaja aku putar ke masa dulu. Supaya aku pilih jalan yang lagi satu.  Tapi aku percaya bahawa setiap benda yang berlaku, pasti ada hikmah di situ. Jadi aku bersyukur dengan jalan yang aku telah lalui kerana aku percaya itu lah yang terbaik. Everything happens for a reason.

Astaghfirullah. May Allah have mercy on all of us.

Al Fatihah Buat Saudara Noramin. Semoga arwah ditempatkan dikalangan orang-orang yang beriman. InsyAllah. 

That awesome moment when I suddenly remembered the existence of Famous Amos cookies in my handbag.

But it quickly turned into a dreadful moment when I could't find my handbag -which I'm pretty sure is somewhere in my room.

I am getting frustrated. Is it really worth it to find the handbag? Yes it's worth it!




On second thought, maybe I should just go to sleep.
Goodnight. xx